How to Stop Enabling Your Grown Child
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Enabling happens when a parent or someone close to a grown child steps in to solve problems that the child is creating or experiencing themselves. While this may come from a place of love and concern, it often hinders the child’s ability to learn responsibility and face the consequences of their actions.
For instance, a grown child might lease a car they can’t afford, and the parent ends up paying for the car. This action prevents the child from facing financial fallout. While this may feel like helping, it ultimately enables the grown child to avoid learning financial discipline.
If you’ve been enabling your grown child for a while, it’s not easy to break the habit. Here are some effective strategies to help you stop enabling and allow your child to take responsibility for his or her own life:
On the other hand, if your child is habitually irresponsible due to laziness or poor decision-making, and you keep stepping in to fix things, you are enabling them. If this behavior continues unchecked, it’s likely to persist for years.
If the bigger issues feel too overwhelming to tackle first, begin with a smaller one. This can demonstrate that you are serious about sticking to your boundaries, and it can help your child understand that you’re not enabling their behavior anymore.
Stop providing the safety net that you’ve been offering, even if it means they’ll face hardships. This may be a difficult decision, but it’s a necessary one. Sometimes, it takes hitting "rock bottom" for a person to realize the need for change. As hard as it is, this experience may be the turning point where your child starts developing the responsibility and self-sufficiency they need to live a more independent and fulfilling life.
We Can Help!
For instance, a grown child might lease a car they can’t afford, and the parent ends up paying for the car. This action prevents the child from facing financial fallout. While this may feel like helping, it ultimately enables the grown child to avoid learning financial discipline.
If you’ve been enabling your grown child for a while, it’s not easy to break the habit. Here are some effective strategies to help you stop enabling and allow your child to take responsibility for his or her own life:
Recognize Why You’re Enabling
The first step is to acknowledge why you’re stepping in to help. Are you doing it because you can’t stand seeing your child struggle? If so, you may need to reflect on why you feel this way and why it's hard for you to let go. Sometimes, the issue isn’t just about the child—it’s about your discomfort with their struggles. You might be enabling because it eases your own emotional pain, but this ultimately stunts their growth.On the other hand, if your child is habitually irresponsible due to laziness or poor decision-making, and you keep stepping in to fix things, you are enabling them. If this behavior continues unchecked, it’s likely to persist for years.
Reflect on How You’ve Enabled in the Past
Take stock of the ways you’ve been enabling your child. Think about specific examples where you’ve stepped in to solve their problems, and what triggered you to act. Was it something they said or did? Write these instances down to identify patterns. Recognizing these moments will help you see when you're being triggered into enabling and give you a chance to change your response in the future.Start Small: Tackle One Issue at a Time
It can feel overwhelming to change the dynamic of your relationship all at once. Start with one specific issue that you know you need to address. Perhaps it’s financial support, or maybe it’s helping them make decisions. Pick the most pressing issue and focus on that first. Once you’ve made progress in one area, you can move on to the next. Taking small steps will prevent you from feeling overwhelmed and allow you to make meaningful changes.Have an Open Conversation
Once you’ve identified the issue you want to address, have an honest conversation with your child. Be mindful of how they respond. Do they acknowledge that things need to change, or do they deny responsibility and make excuses? Pay attention to their reactions. If they try to blame you or make you feel guilty, it’s important to stay firm. You need to set clear boundaries and resist the temptation to give in.Create a Plan and Set Boundaries
Work with your child to create a clear plan for how they will take responsibility moving forward. If you’ve been financially supporting them, set a timeline for when that support will end. Encourage them to explore ways to become more self-sufficient. Let them know that you are no longer willing to bail them out and follow through on your commitment. If they try to push back, stand firm. Reinforce that the boundaries you’ve set are non-negotiable.If the bigger issues feel too overwhelming to tackle first, begin with a smaller one. This can demonstrate that you are serious about sticking to your boundaries, and it can help your child understand that you’re not enabling their behavior anymore.
What If Your Grown Child Doesn’t Step Up?
This is where things can get tough, but it’s important to follow through with tough love. If you’ve communicated that changes need to happen and given them time to adjust, but they haven’t made any effort, it may be time to let them face the consequences of their actions.Stop providing the safety net that you’ve been offering, even if it means they’ll face hardships. This may be a difficult decision, but it’s a necessary one. Sometimes, it takes hitting "rock bottom" for a person to realize the need for change. As hard as it is, this experience may be the turning point where your child starts developing the responsibility and self-sufficiency they need to live a more independent and fulfilling life.
Summary
Enabling may come from a place of love, but it ultimately stunts your grown child’s growth and independence. By recognizing the patterns of enabling, having open conversations, and setting firm boundaries, you can help your grown child become more responsible and equipped to handle life's challenges on their own. It may be a difficult transition, but with patience and persistence, it’s a change that will benefit both of you in the long run.
We Can Help!
Online Treatment Programs provides Teletherapy Partial Hospitalization and Intensive Outpatient Programs allowing participants to receive intensive therapy with our licensed therapists and psychiatrists without having to leave home. If you or someone you know is struggling to overcome depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, trauma, panic attacks, PTSD, alcoholism, drug abuse, or other mental health or addiction issues, we can help. To schedule a complementary assessment or to find out more about our teletherapy programs, contact us at 1-800-685-9796.
MHThrive provides Individual Therapy, Couples and Marriage Counseling, and Family Therapy at our locations in Katy, The Woodlands, and the Clear Lake area of Houston, Texas. We also provide telehealth therapy for anyone who resides within the State of Texas. To schedule an appointment with one of the MHThrive therapists, contact us at 713-477-0333 or visit our website to learn more.
If you or someone you know is experiencing any severe mental health or substance abuse issues, New Dimensions can help. Our team of experienced therapists and psychiatrists can help you overcome these challenges and help you develop the skills you need to thrive. To schedule a complementary assessment or to find out more about our programs, contact us at 1-800-685-9796.
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Online Treatment Programs |
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06 November, 2024 |
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